2008 Woodie Awards
How to get through college without learning anything
Issue date: 4/23/07 Section: Op-Ed
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So, you want to go to college, but you're worried you may actually learn something? Have no fear! In today's grade-inflated academia, getting a degree does not require a great deal of scholarship. However, in order to get through post-secondary education, you have to know how to work the system.
As a senior, I have observed the university system and its many flaws. I can help you in your quest for that coveted degree, but be careful! You don't want to accidentally learn anything. The following ten tips will help you on your way towards earning a college degree while exerting as little effort as possible.
1. Attend only enough class to pass
Some professors take attendance regularly; others are too busy for the time-consuming roll call. Log on to ratemyprofessor.com and find out which 'profs' don't take attendance. Talk to other career slackers in order to separate the good from the bad. Remember, as long as you complete the assignments, professors who don't take attendance can't penalize you for missing class.
2. Drink as much as possible
In case you accidentally learn a simple definition or equation from being in class once in a while, take time to kill those brain cells with some good old fashioned booze. Nothing kills the memory like a night of hard drinking. If you're short on beer money, try getting to know one of the many fraternities on campus. Frats are liable to charge as little as $5 for an all-you-can-drink-memory-destroying night of debauchery. Say farewell to unwanted terms and equations!
3. Have you heard? Pay a Nerd!
Writing papers is often time-consuming and occasionally a learning experience. Believe it or not, some students actually enjoy writing! Become friends with someone who enjoys writing, preferably a nerdy fellow who majors in a writing-intensive discipline. Finding a nerdy friend can be difficult, but offering to take him out to parties will help establish a friendly relationship. Nerds typically feel underappreciated and underpaid, so offer the kid some cash for his services. Those with moral objections to plagiarism make poor targets.
As a senior, I have observed the university system and its many flaws. I can help you in your quest for that coveted degree, but be careful! You don't want to accidentally learn anything. The following ten tips will help you on your way towards earning a college degree while exerting as little effort as possible.
1. Attend only enough class to pass
Some professors take attendance regularly; others are too busy for the time-consuming roll call. Log on to ratemyprofessor.com and find out which 'profs' don't take attendance. Talk to other career slackers in order to separate the good from the bad. Remember, as long as you complete the assignments, professors who don't take attendance can't penalize you for missing class.
2. Drink as much as possible
In case you accidentally learn a simple definition or equation from being in class once in a while, take time to kill those brain cells with some good old fashioned booze. Nothing kills the memory like a night of hard drinking. If you're short on beer money, try getting to know one of the many fraternities on campus. Frats are liable to charge as little as $5 for an all-you-can-drink-memory-destroying night of debauchery. Say farewell to unwanted terms and equations!
3. Have you heard? Pay a Nerd!
Writing papers is often time-consuming and occasionally a learning experience. Believe it or not, some students actually enjoy writing! Become friends with someone who enjoys writing, preferably a nerdy fellow who majors in a writing-intensive discipline. Finding a nerdy friend can be difficult, but offering to take him out to parties will help establish a friendly relationship. Nerds typically feel underappreciated and underpaid, so offer the kid some cash for his services. Those with moral objections to plagiarism make poor targets.
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