The Quad

Issue date: 10/8/07 Section: Features

Can I kiss you? This is the question that Mike Dormitrz urged students to ask their partners at his powerful presentation on Oct. 3, which tackled the issues of dating, intimacy and sexual assault.

Dormitrz, one of the leading experts on healthy dating, consent, date rape and sexual assault awareness, met with WCU students and began by asking all those in attendance if most people ask, 'May I kiss you?' before making their first move when on a date. Students responded with an overwhelming, "No!"

"Why?" Dormitrz asked both the men and women in the room. The women responded with two dominant answers. First, they said they were taught that it is the man's job.

"Are men good at this job?" responded Dormitrz. "No!" shouted the women in the audience. "Guys, do we want this job?" he then asked. "No!" cheered the men. "Women, take the job!" Dormitrz said.

Secondly, women said they feared being labeled sexually aggressive. Dormitrz assured women that most men would love it if a woman took initiative.

"If your partner doesn't want you to speak your mind, then get a new partner," he said.

Dormitrz also addressed the fact that women must not be supporters of the double standard of themselves. Often times, women use derogatory names for each other more than men do, Dormitrz said.

Next, Dormitrz questioned the men in the audience, "Why don't you ask, 'can I kiss you'?" Fear of rejection and awkwardness were the most prevalent explanations. After a role playing exercise, Dormitrz proved that although asking the question may be labeled as 'corny' or 'cheesy' to others, it can make your partner feel special. It allows you to express your emotions and even admit your nervousness, which helps both people feel more comfortable in the situation.

Most importantly, asking first gives your partner a choice, whereas in other situations they are not given the option to choose.

"Guys are typically taught, GO! GO! GO!" Dormitrz said. "Whereas, women are taught not to speak up when things get a little uncomfortable, and by the time they do speak up it has already gone too far."

Dormitrz told the audience there are nine typical negative reactions when someone makes an unwanted move and only one positive reaction, which is kissing back.

"Even if your partner does kiss you back, do you absolutely know if they wanted it?" Dormitrz asked. "It is still a guessing game, and there is no real choice. This is our current system, and it is messed up," he said.

Continued...

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